SUNDAY'S FOOD FOR THOUGHT- COMBATING DISTORTIONS

Hello Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to today’s Sunday Food for thought. I apologize that I did not post the food for thought last week due to some inconveniences but hope you are still working on the ones I posted in the previous times. Today I will continue with the session on how to combat distortions and in case you are new to the site I welcome you and you can still access the topic from the start and get a good flow of the message. Read and learn.

 

 COMBATING DISTORTIONS

 3. FILTERING

The most important rule for forming rebuttals to filtering is to look for balance. Since you are stuck in a rut from which you can only see negative things, you must make a strong effort to climb out and look around. Look for the opposite of what you filter for. If you tend to focus on loss in your life, make up rebuttals that stress all the good things that have not been lost.  If you see rejection all around you, write descriptions of the times when you were accepted and loved. If you obsessively look for instances of failure, make up rebuttals that remind you of your successes.

 Here are some general rebuttals to use to fight filtering:

·         Wait! Open your eyes! Let’s see the whole picture.

·         I may have lost things in my life, but there are many treasures I still have and cherish.

·         There I go again, looking for rejection.

·         This one defeat can serve to remind me of my victories.

·         There’s more to life than pain (or danger, sadness, etc)

·         I can choose to stop blanking out the good things.

Bill always filtered his reality for signs of rejection. A typical morning would net for him these kinds of negative self-statements:

·         The bus driver was irritated because I didn’t have correct change.

·         Maggie’s mad at me for not wanting to buy a new dryer.

·         The new accountant won’t like my bookkeeping.

·         God, Stan is grouchy. Better pussyfoot with him.

     Upon analysis, Bill found that there were other aspects to all these relationships that he was only dimly aware of. He replayed conversations and situations in his mind until he could identify the positive elements:  although the bus driver may have been rejecting, most drivers were neutral or even friendly if you yourself were pleasant. His wife, Maggie, actually wasn’t mad about the dryer, she had a different opinion and appeared willing to discuss it rationally. Furthermore, he and Maggie had been rather close and playful over the past week.  Having not even met the new accountant, Bill was filtering the future, predicting rejection without evidence. Regarding his friend Stan, Bill reminded himself that Stan was frequently grouchy. So what else is new? Here is Bill’s full rebuttal as he first wrote it out:

·         So what if a bus driver doesn’t like me? In half an hour we’ll have forgotten each other.

·         Maggie and I are feeling close; that’s what counts.

·         Disagreements don’t necessarily imply rejection or anger.

·         Don’t predict rejection.*

·         Others are just as likely to like as to not like me.

·         What’s important is that I like myself.*

·         The only serious rejection is self-rejection.

·         People don’t have to like me.*

·         Look on the loving side. Look for the smiles.

·         Stan and I have been friends for ten years, why should I worry?

The items marked with an asterisk are the ones that Bill found especially telling. He recalled them whenever he felt the familiar feeling of impending rejection, or whenever he felt depressed after a social interaction that seemed to have gone poorly.

4. POLARIZED THINKING

The rule about being specific will guide you in fighting polarized thinking. Instead of describing life to yourself in absolute blacks and whites, describe specific shades of gray. As soon as you find yourself making a snap judgment about yourself, say, ”Wait a minute. Let me be more precise.”

 A helpful technique in writing rebuttals of polarized thinking is to use percentages. The car show wasn’t a total disaster, your Packard got eighty out of a hundred points. The meal you cooked wasn’t garbage, rather the entrée was 50 percent OK, the salad was 80 percent, and the dessert was 40 percent. Your party wasn’t a complete bore- 60 percent of your guests had a good time, 30 percent were bored, and the remaining 10 percent never admit to having fun no matter where they are.

These general rebuttals show the tack to take against polarized thinking:

·         Wrong!

·         Nothing is totally anything.

·         Let me be more precise.

·         Remember the gray zone.

·         No more absolutes.

·         What are the percentages?

·         There are infinite gradations of good and bad in all I do.

An example of polarized thinking is Arlene. She was a loan officer at a bank, a job that unfortunately reinforced her tendency toward polarized thinking- applicants either qualified for their loan or not, with no middle ground. Arlene’s problem was that she applied this same rule to her own performance- she was either perfectly competent at her job, or she was incompetent. Her pathological critic put it like this:

·         You’ve got to get these loan packages together by three o’clock.

·         If you don’t, you’ve totally screwed up.

·         You’re either competent or you’re not.

·         The packages were late. What a disaster.

·         You can’t do anything right.

·         You’re completely disorganized. Just look at this desk.

·         If you don’t do this job right, you’ll end up on welfare.

Arlene countered this polarized thinking by creating a rebuttal voice. She imagined a patient, wise teacher, similar to a favorite professor she once had in college. This teacher was with her all the time at work, like an invisible guardian Angel. This is the rebuttal she wrote and imagined spoken in her teacher’s voice:

·         Slow down, now.*

·         Stop thinking in black and white.

·         Sometimes you’re perfectly competent.

·         Sometimes you’re less competent.

·         You’re never totally incompetent.

·         Not every job is life and death.*

·         Not every missed deadline is a disaster.

·         You’re punctual 90 percent of the time.

·         Your job is secure and you do it well.

·         Everybody makes mistakes.

·         This is not the end of the world.*

At work when she heard her pathological critic start up, Arlene had her teacher rebut with the starred statements.

5. SELF-BLAME

To rebut self-blaming statements, you must rigorously weed out judgmental statements and replace them with balanced ones. State the facts of the situation without judging yourself and use reinforcing self-statements like the following:

·         No more blaming!

·         Everyone makes mistakes- it’s just human.

·         No brooding. The past is over and I can do no more about it.

·         I can acknowledge my mistakes and move on.

·         I always do my best according to my awareness at the moment.

·         Let it go.

·         I am not in charge of others.

·         I don’t have to blame myself for others’ behavior.

·         I accept the consequences of my actions, but I will not wallow in guilt for past errors.

George was an unemployed waiter who blamed himself for all his own problems and for his girlfriend’s problems as well. He blamed himself for losing his job, for failing to find another, for being depressed, for depressing his girlfriend, and for making her over eat because she was worried about him. Whenever he thought about work or his girlfriend, the simple phrase “It’s my fault” flashed into his mind like a neon sign. A wave of guilt and depression would come over him.

To rebut this recurring thought, George wrote a sort of pep talk that he imagined his old high-school coach might say to him:

·         Bullshit!

·         It’s not all your fault.*

·         You were laid off because business is slow-which isn’t your fault.

·         It’s hard to get restaurant work for the same reason- which also isn’t your fault.

·         Pity and guilt are just sapping your strength.

·         Polly’s a big girl. She’s in charge of her own life and feelings.

·         You can’t make her feel one way or another.

·         Accept her support, and stop kicking yourself.

George starred and memorized the statements he needed to hear most often.

Let's meet next week for the final part of the session. HAVE A BLESSED SUNDAY and remember for guest posting check me via bashworker@gmail.com.