SUNDAY'S FOOD FOR THOUGHT- COMBATING DISTORTIONS (FINAL PART)

Hello ladies and gentlemen, welcome to our today’s Sunday Food for thought. This will be the final part on the ways to combat the cognitive distortions. For the new readers, you are warmly welcome and you can still access the previous posts to get the full message and learn from them. Something to remember is that these ways to combat the pathological critic have to be practiced quite often so that you can defeat the negative self-talk whenever it pops in your head. Read and Learn.

6. PERSONALIZATION.  If your pathological critic is constantly comparing you  to others, your rebuttal should stress that people are individuals, with unique combinations of strengths and weaknesses. You should concentrate on affirming your own right to be exactly as you are, without apology or judgment.

 If your personalization takes the form of assuming that every situation or interaction involves a judgment of you personally, you should compose rebuttals that point out the fact that most of what goes on in the world has nothing to do with you. Encourage yourself to check things out, to assume nothing.

Here are some typical rebuttals effective for countering a pathological critic who is given to personalization:

·         Hold it! No comparisons!

·         Everybody’s different, with different strong and weak points.

·         I am just me, without comparisons.

·         I can describe myself accurately, without reference to others.

·         Assume nothing!

·         Check it out.

·         Most of the universe has nothing to do with me.

·         Don’t be so paranoid!

·         Everybody else is too concerned with their own act. They’re not watching me.

Gracie was a poor tennis player made poorer by personalization. She felt that everyone on adjacent courts was aware of her play. She was constantly comparing herself to the others around her and nearly always deciding that her play was inferior. This is what her pathological critic had to say:

·         All eyes are on you.

·         Wow, what a serve. Mine isn’t half as fast.

·         Look how Denny is always in position, while I’m tripping over my own feet.

·         My partner’s quiet. What did I do?

·         Missed! Damn,  I look like an amateur.

It got so bad that finally Gracie avoided playing. She had to spend a week thinking about her pathological critic’s attacks and getting them down on paper. Then she composed the following rebuttals:

·         Stop this!*

·         It’s just a game, to have fun.*

·         Everybody else is concentrating on his game.

·         Athletic ability doesn’t determine worth.

·         Stop comparing*

·         Everybody’s game is uneven sometimes.

·         Everybody’s an individual, with unique strengths and weaknesses*

·         They’re not watching me, they’re watching the ball.

Gracie found that she could remember the starred items and use them when she returned to the courts. Her game improved when she stopped comparing and just concentrated on hitting the ball. And her self-esteem fared better because she had fun and didn’t suffer from so many unfavorable comparisons.

7. MIND READING. If you have the habit of mind reading, you need to make up especially strong rebuttals that will shock you back to reality. The most important rule is the one about being specific and accurate. Concentrating on the known facts is the best way to stop assuming that others are thinking ill of you.

Here are some general rebuttals that are effective against mind reading:

·         Stop it! Nonsense.

·         I have no way of knowing what they’re thinking.

·         The only way to know others’ opinions is to ask them straight.

·         Assume nothing.

·         Check it out.

·         What else could that mean? Why assume the negative?

·         What are the facts? Spell them out.

·         “Intuition” is just an excuse for guessing.

Josh was a librarian who dreaded having to work the front desk. He felt that the patrons were irritated at him if he couldn’t answer questions, had to charge them fines, or had to make them wait during busy times. Words would pop into his head: “Slow…….stupid……mean…….arrogant,”  and so on. He would feel very anxious and flustered. When he examined the words that popped into his head, he found they stemmed from mind reading. He was then able to slow them down and elaborate them. This is the stream of negative self-talk that he wrote out in full:

·         She thinks I’m slow.

·         She hates me.

·         He thinks I’m stupid not to know that author.

·         He’s being nice, but it’s just patronizing. He’s really seething inside because I was mean enough to charge the full fine.

·         She thinks I’m an arrogant civil servant because I made her wait while those little kids checked out their books. She’d like to report me to the head librarian.

Josh’s rebuttal took the form of repeated shouts inside his head, and careful observation of the observable facts. Here is his full written rebuttal:

·         Stop it!

·         This is just somebody’s grandmother trying to get through the line in a hurry.

·         I don’t know what she thinks, and I don’t care.

·         Stop it!

·         This is just some guy who doesn’t know who wrote the book he wants. That’s all I know about him.

·         Stop it!

·         This is just some poor slob who forgot to get his books back on time. He’s being nice about paying the fine. Who knows how he really feels?

·         Stop it!

·         This is just some girl in a pink sweater who had to wait till the kids were through. She doesn’t know me from Adam, and I don’t know what she’s thinking.

·         If it’s important to know what these people are thinking about me, I could ask them. But it’s a waste of time trying to invent their opinions for them.

When he was actually at work, Josh couldn’t run such long monologues through his head. When the negative word “Stupid” flashed into his mind, he would just mentally shout back, “Stop it! He’s just a guy who needs info…..that’s all.”

8. CONTROL FALLACIES. If your pathological critic uses the fallacy of under-control, your rebuttal must emphasize your real and actual control over your life. The most crucial rule is the one about being specific-tell yourself exactly what you can do to regain control of a given situation. Here are some general rebuttals to get you started:

·         Wait! I’m doing it again.

·         No more victim crap.

·         I got myself into this mess and I can get myself out.

·         Let’s see, what I can do?

·         This helpless feeling is just the critic talking.

·         I refuse to let the critic take away my power.

·         This situation is the result of a long series of actions or inactions on my part. It can be changed by direct action.

Randy was a new father who felt overwhelmed. The new baby had upset his habitual routine, he was short on sleep, and his pathological critic was taking the opportunity to whittle away at his self-esteem. Here’s what Randy’s critic was saying:

·         You’re exhausted.

·         You’re not coping.

·         You’ll never get organized.

·         You’re helpless.

·         You’re just barely treading water.

·         There’s nothing you can do.

·         There’s always another chore for you to do.

·         It will be like this for at least the next two years.

      Randy knew he would need a strong rebuttal to arrest this constant stream of defeatism. Instead of  “No!” or some other mental interrupter, he imagined a bomb going off inside his head. When the smoke cleared, he imagined a wise, compassionate mentor who would calmly rebut his pathological critic. His mentor, he realized, looked a lot like the alien Yoda from Star Wars. This is what Randy wrote down for his mentor to say:

·         (BOOM!)

·         Randy, relax and take a deep breath.

·         Stop thinking about all the things you feel you have to do.

·         Find that calm place inside yourself. Breath deeply and enjoy the moment of peace.*

·         You’re in control not the baby.

·         True, you must respond to your child, but you have choices as to how. You will get better and better at this.

·         Muster your resources and take charge.*

·         Remember your options: setting up alternating shifts with your wife, babysitters, letting the grandparents help, new parents’ groups, hiring someone to do house and yard work.

·         You can cope.

·         You can get enough rest and enjoy your baby.

The fallacy of over-control, where you take responsibility for the pain and unhappiness of those around you, is functionally similar to self-blame. Use the suggested rebuttals in the self-blame section to cope with over-control. 

9. EMOTIONAL REASONING.  To fight the distortion of emotional reasoning, you need to follow the rules about being nonjudgmental and specific. Create rebuttals that omit emotionally loaded words like love, hate, disgusting, furious, depressed, and so on. Constantly encourage yourself to look for the thoughts that underlie and create the painful emotions you feel. Those underlying thoughts are where the pathological critic does his work. Those thoughts are what you need to ultimately refute.

·         Here are some rebuttals for calming emotional turmoil and countering the underlying distorted thoughts.

·         Lies! My emotions are lying to me.

·         Distrust all sudden feelings.

·         There is nothing automatically true about my feelings.

·         Look for the underlying thoughts.

·         What am I telling myself that makes me feel so sad, so anxious, so angry?

·         Correct the thoughts and the pain will go away.

Marjorie was a baker at a gourmet bakery. The other people in the bakery never knew whether Marjorie would be on cloud nine or down in the dumps. She was ruled by her feelings. She would see a headline about an airplane crash, think about death, feel a wave of sadness, and emotionally reason that her life wasn’t worth much, since it could be snuffed out in a moment. Someone would ask her a perfectly innocent question about her muffins in the oven, and she would tell herself that some criticism was implied, feel threatened and anxious, and emotionally conclude that her job was in danger. She would tell herself that her credit cards would never be paid off, feel depressed, and emotionally decide that she was a failure, that she would always be poor and miserable.

Marjorie’s problem was exacerbated by the fact that she was not very aware of the chain reaction from experience to thoughts to emotions to emotional reasoning. She just felt lousy and figured she would always feel lousy. When she started writing down her self-talk, she had a hard time getting back to the thoughts. This is all she came up with at first.

·         I feel sad, hopeless. Life is so fragile.

·         I’m afraid of losing my job. I don’t know why, I just feel on edge whenever someone looks over my shoulder.

·         I must be a failure. I feel overwhelmed by my debts.

To go further, Marjorie had to literally invent her thoughts. She would make up a thought that sounded like it might account for her feelings. Once she did this, she found that she could say, “Yes, that’s it,” or “No, it’s more like this ……” Eventually she completed this list.

·         I’m going to die.

·         It’s horrible.

·         I can’t stand it.

·         They’ll throw me out on the street with no references.

·         I’ll starve.

·         I’ll lose my apartment, my bike, everything.

·         I’ll be bankrupt and on welfare.

·         All my friends will hate me.

These are the catastrophic messages from her pathological critic that triggered Marjorie’s depression. She began creating her rebuttal by crossing out the emotionally loaded words: “die, horrible, throw me out, lose, bankrupt, hate.”

Then Marjorie made up strong beginning for her rebuttal to shock her out of her emotional funk. Finally, she created reminders to be specific and a balanced list of her rational resources to counter the critic’s catastrophic predictions. Here is her full rebuttal;

·         Stop! Just stop this right now, Marjorie!

·         This garbage is 99 percent feelings.*

·         There’s nothing automatically true about feelings. My feelings change when my thinking changes.*

·         How did I get into this? What was I thinking about?*

·         That’s ridiculous. That’s my critic talking.*

·         I have more on the ball than I give myself credit for.*

·         I’m in good health. I can take care of myself.*

·         I’m a good baker. They depend on me around here.

·         I’m still young and smart enough to straighten out my finances.

Marjorie used the starred rebuttal points whenever she felt overwhelmed. Depending on the thoughts that started the whole episode, she would improvise the rest of her rebuttal. Sometimes she couldn’t pinpoint the thoughts that started her down the familiar path of emotional reasoning. She would then have to get out the pencil and paper again and use the three-column techniques.

Sometimes Marjorie didn’t need to know the original negative thoughts. She found that she could say to herself, “These are feelings, not facts. They will pass in a little while. Wait it out.” And in a few hours the emotional storm usually began to abate and she felt more confidence in herself again.  

That’s it for today friends. Join me next week for another topic. All the best. GOD BLESS YOU ALL.